June 28, 2010

That new life (with a few restrictions)

After a good friend and I had a discussion about marriage and kids (his) I whipped off what I think is an accurate and appropriate letter that all people should send out to their friends prior to getting married or starting a family. It's only fair to those left behind.

Dear friends,
This message is to notify you all that I'll be getting married soon. Any further communication from me will be greatly limited. My new spouse will occupy a minimum of 75% of my time. Also, 85% of what I say and do will be monitored by her/him. In the event we have children, that figure will rise to approximately 95%. With one exception: I will secretly tell my closest friends (always in a whisper) about the unfortunate state of my sex life and how much better it was before all of this happened. Also, be advised that everything you say, do and entrust with me WILL be discussed with my spouse. There will be no secrets between me and my spouse. Therefore, "The Friendship Vault" is now officially closed.

FCF--"Family Comes First"--is my new mantra. I will continue to take your calls and emails as long as they do not interrupt family time or cause disruption in our family core. No phone calls after 10:00pm are permitted (might wake up the babies... God forbid). Unexpected "drop-ins" will no longer be permitted nor tolerated. The duration of any long term visits will not exceed 4 days, with 2 weeks notice of arrival required. Any time alone during these visits will be greatly frowned upon.

From this day forward I will no longer be allowed to do the following:
  • Stay out past 10:00pm (without phone interruption)
  • Drink or swear to excess.
  • Dine alone or with friends if spouse is in the same city.
  • Take any unplanned drives with or without friends exceeding 1/2 hour without permission from spouse (unlikely, due to excessive spousal eye rolling and guilt).
Road trips with friends may be discussed but are actually impossible. This is non-negotiable.

Also, there will be:
  • No porn.
  • No wrestling.
  • No happy hours without spouse present.
  • No drunkenness unless spouse present and drinking same amount.
  • No hunting, fishing or photo excursions.
  • No motorcycles (unless spouse approves and is ALWAYS on back).
In the future I will:
  • Attend church more frequently than before.
  • Attend functions (birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc., etc.) more frequently.
  • Go to counseling if needed.
  • Attend future PTA meetings.
  • Attend school functions (plays, recitals, etc.)

I have willingly chosen this new path. I have entered this "institution" with the determination to be the best spouse and parent that I can possibly be... God willing. Past friendships will be fondly remembered but I must follow this new path honorably by focusing on my new direction.

Be well my friends. Perhaps we can renew a similar path (still heavily restricted) in 22-25 years after the children have moved away.

I hereby willingly and happily give up 95% of my independence and freedom.

Note: In the event of divorce and outcome of custody, please see revised Friendship Contract #2.

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