Sports vs Models

Lovely Sophie. Photographed during a football game.

Today my friend Kristi called and asked (jokingly) where I was going to watch the big Giants game Sunday night. I told her (sarcastically) that I had already purchased a helmet and matching jersey for the event and was researching the best sports bars with giant screen TVs to watch the game.

The other night while on my way to have dinner with friends, I happened to walk by a large sports bar on 33rd Street. Hearing screaming, I paused in front of the window, peering in as if I were watching some fraternal ritual. Everyone was pointing and yelling at six large screen TVs hanging from the ceiling. These were mostly grown men, between the ages of 25 and 60, most appeared drunk and nearly all of them wore blue jerseys or hats with emblems on them. I suddenly felt a rush of euphoric superiority. Who are these goons? Is it really that fun to sit and watch 22 guys in tight pants chase around a piece of inflated leather for four+ hours? Do these men have lives? Families? Wives? Do they have a single creative bone in their bodies? Obviously not. How could anyone enjoy this weird testosterone-fueled clusterfuck? None of my friends watch this crap. Then again, they're all smart, creative types. I'm truly baffled. On the news after the last game I saw interviews from local bars. Most of the people they spoke with had very thick New Jersey accents and sounded like they had the IQ of a mildly retarded person. "Yeah...I'd give my whole friggin week's paycheck to get a ticket to the next game," one woman screamed. Then, "Go Giants!" Thrusting her fist into the air. All the other jersey-clad retards cheered in unison.

I've tried to watch a game maybe twice. I got about 17 minutes in each time and had to run out of the room.

Here's a test: For all the artistically challenged bozos who actually like watching football, basketball, baseball or any other sport, do this: Find a pretty girl, a model, maybe even your wife or girlfriend, borrow a digital camera from a friend and get a hotel room. Now, for way LESS than a ticket to a game (including those 10 beers and travel) you can pay her modeling fee, pay for the room and still have enough money left over to eat dinner. Now, aim the camera at her and take some nice photos. It's fun, really. And, I bet if you ever actually do this, you'll NEVER toss your money down the toilet on some douchebag football game again. I promise you, it's FAR more fun than hanging around with 200 drunk assholes screaming at a TV.

Or, if that doesn't work, try this, go to a gallery, see a great movie, go see a band.... shit, for that matter, read a classic book. I promise there are many more cool and fun things to do than watching a bunch of men slam their heads together chasing around a stupid ball.

Lastly, long ago a friend who loved sports called me a "homo" for not liking football. I laughed and said he was the one watching a bunch of guys in tight pants grabbing each other for 4 hours, so who's calling who the homo?

If I'm watching sports, I'm watching women's gymnastics.