January 14, 2011

Waterboarding vs

So I woke up this morning with one of those brilliant ideas where you reach for a pen and piece of paper on your nightstand to scribble it down before you forget it...

Remember all the hoopla over waterboarding prisoners in Iraq? Personally I think it was too involved and a stupid form of torture, and I also think they should have tried it out on Dick Cheney first to see how effective it was. Anyway, I may need to send this idea I had to the Department of Defense.

Say that while on patrol in Kandahar, Afghanistan, soldiers come across 3 guys burying a bomb in the sand on the side the road. Before they can grab their AK47s they are captured and taken to a nearby base for questioning. Inside the base a team of CIA and intelligence officers put the ringleader in a dark room with a pillowcase over his head. They bring in an interpreter who starts questioning him in Pashto (their native language). The trembling prisoner says nothing. Hours go by and even though they want to waterboard the guy they know they can't. They don't even have a board anymore. Plus, even if they did, it might be leaked to the media or the guy might die of a heart attack in the process. This is where my great idea comes in.... You take off the prisoner's pillowcase and have the interrogator wear a black ski mask. You have the prisoner stand up while another interrogator slides down the prisoner's dusty beige desert pants. You let 20 or so minutes go by to increase the prisoner's anxiety. Then you pull out a mousetrap and hold it up to his stern, dusty, bearded face. His eyes follow it back and forth as you wave it in front of him. In Pashto the interpreter says, "Hey, Achmed, tell us where you make these bombs or we're going to rub this mousetrap against your balls." Achmed stares down at the trap, defiant. Little beads of sweat start to appear on his forehead. You then put the mousetrap about 5 inches from his testicles. The hooded interpreter says slowly, "Listen here camel breath, I don't think you understand. Where are you building these bombs?" He will probably still say nothing. Finally, an agent pulls out a pencil and taps it against the fake cheese on the trap snapping the pencil in half. Achmed's eyes bulge... You reset the trap and slowly push it within an inch of his nads....
Just before that trap touches his little nad hairs I guarantee he'll start babbling all the secrets he knows. He'll implicate his mother, his friends who taught him how to build bombs, everything that fills that dusty little head of his....

And, if the prisoner refuses to talk, go ahead and snap his nuts. It won't kill him and it has to be a hoot to watch.

The mousetrap: America's best weapon against the war on terror. Simple and effective.

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