November 17, 2009

General? I say we book Wayne Newton

This morning I was clicking through the channels, drinking my morning coffee and stopped briefly on the Today show. Did I mention Kathy Lee Gifford is the most repulsive woman alive? Anyway, Wayne Newton was on, talking about his recent "tour" of the Middle East entertaining the troops. What I want to know is: Who was the military genius who thought Wayne Newton would be the best choice to entertain our troops? These soldiers whose average age is around 22? How many of those troops do you think own a Wayne Newton cd, much less even know who he is? My bet is none! Wouldn't a better choice be someone like... I don't know, Dave Matthews, Pearl Jam, U2, Metallica or even AC/DC? Maybe a cute singer like Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood or even chubby Jessica Simpson? Imagine the joy of hearing that the USO was putting on a big show. Then the horror hearing the headliner was Wayne Newton. Honestly, given the news, I'd rather be out poking around in the sand with a bayonet looking for I.E.Ds than listening to him screech out "Danke Schoen" for the 4 millionth time. Shit, the guy is 67 years old, his hair plugs are dyed poodle black and his face looks like a baseball with skin stretched over it.
I've been bitching about this war since the day Bush started it, but now the military has gone too far. They're actually abusing our own troops, using Wayne Newton's voice as a torture device. They should be playing Wayne's "best of" cd through giant speakers aimed at the Afghan mountains. Al-Qaeda would surrender within hours, pleading for earplugs and begging them to stop the cruelty. Wayne Newton entertaining troops? How friggin stupid is the U.S. Army?

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