November 1, 2009

Two things I wonder about

I've never seen a baseball game, football game or basketball game in its entirety in my life, neither live OR on TV. I'm proud of this personal record. Today I was channel surfing and came across the World Series. I stopped to watch thinking that for once I might actually find "America's national pastime" interesting. I put down the remote expecting to watch for awhile. Andy Pettitte was pitching (whom I've never seen before and obviously has too many t's in his name). Someone tosses him a ball and he begins this agonizingly slow OCD ritual. He has the ball in his hand and he raises his glove up to his face covering everything from the bridge of his nose down. He blows four full breaths into his mitt with eyes fixed on the mound. He then turns his head to the left and blows out two more full breaths. Then he finally winds up and throws the ball. Each pitch takes about 1 minute. Maybe the Yankees should consider some sort of team doctor/shrink intervention? Perhaps some Ritalin or Adderall in his Gatorade. Does he really need to perform all these drawn out obsessive maneuvers before he can throw the stupid ball? No wonder a game takes 4 hours. In between that mind numbing show of mild retardation I'm forced to watch Alex Rodriguez blow his nose onto the field holding one finger against a nostril and blowing snot out of the other (a snot rocket). Note to Alex: You're on Tv, people are watching, some while eating. They put the camera on Jeter and we see him scratch and tug his balls and then pan over to every other player and coach as they sniff, scratch, pull, rub and pick every possible part of their bodies. Not to mention the 8 million hat adjustments. I watched this Tourette's extravaganza for about 10 minutes and I wanted to get in the tub with a toaster. After one half of an inning I was even more pleased that I'd never seen a baseball game. Not to mention the countless hours I've saved by leaving this time sucker out of my life. How anyone can find this game interesting is beyond me. When I die and go to hell (oh yeah, I'm going) I'll wake up in some huge stadium with a bunch of drunken, cheering assholes screaming at overpaid neanderthals playing that ridiculous game. I really need to go to church to avoid this fate.

2nd thing I wonder:

Somewhere, sometime, long long ago there had to be one single person who ate something for the first time. I want to know who ate the following and why:
The first oyster.
The first bull testicle.
Sea urchin.
Coffee bean. They had to pick it, roast it, grind it and finally strain it through water. How did they know to do that to that particular bean?
Tea leaves. Same thing...why that particular leaf to dry and drink?
Blowfish. Knowing that it's deadly except for a few choice cuts? How many people died finding this out? 300 people a year still die from it.
Chocolate. Same as coffee, the raw bean tastes nasty.. How did they know how to process it?
Certain berries. So similar, yet so many are poisonous.
Blood pudding.
All bugs.
Mushrooms. Same problem as berries.
Olives. So much has to be done before they have taste.
Most grains. How did they figure out how to process?
Fertilized duck embryo.
Milk, all kinds. Early conversation: "I'm going to walk over and squeeze that thing hanging down under that cow and drink whatever comes out". Who did that?

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