Facebook, Truly Amazing

Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t ask me if I have a Facebook account. I always roll my eyes and tell them that I don’t want 200 people from high school contacting me. But, the other day, out of curiosity, I got on FB through a friend's account and typed the name of someone who was very popular from my high school. Wow, the guy was obviously still popular, with almost 700 friends. Many of the names I remembered. So, I sat there for about 2 hours clicking through these friends, trying to put a memory to each face. I found it interesting to note (and numbingly boring to look at) that most people my age post photos of their kids graduating, their spouses, cruise ship vacations and stupid random remarks much like tweets saying, "I just bought some lawn chairs on sale at Costco." A good friend’s wife is addicted to FB, which she checks constantly, which he finds incredibly annoying. The stupid shit she finds interesting and humorous is baffling.

What I find MOST wonderful about FB is the ability to see what might easily have become your future. Had you taken a certain girl to the prom, she may have ended up being your wife. And, you can see all the girls (now women) whom you adored and lusted for but who never reciprocated those feelings. Frankly, what is most wonderful is that nearly all of them have gotten fat and unattractive. Those hot little nubile cheerleaders haven't been able to squeeze into their old uniforms in the past 25 years. What sweet revenge. Those smooth, beautiful, angelic faces are now bloated and tired with bags under their eyes as big as potato sacks. I found most of these "girls" unrecognizable. "Holy shit, that’s who? That can't be, no way." Evidently life in the suburbs, marriage and having kids has not been very kind to their physical appearance.

I had the biggest crush on a certain popular girl whom I truly adored. When I got my driver's license my friends and I would drive to a hill near her house, slow down to a crawl and watch her sunbathing on the roof in her little bikini (relax, we were 16). I would circle the block, over and over....She wouldn't give me the time of day. I wasn't that popular, or good looking enough and I didn't play sports. And now, voila'--She looks like Sally Struthers. I love that.

The guys are almost as bad. Most of the popular athletes are equally unrecognizable. Does living in the 'burbs, having a few kids and having a 9-to-5 job automatically mean you will turn into a fat, lazy slob, posting photos of you and your friends sitting in a fishing boat, sun burnt, wearing funny looking hats and holding a Corona? Evidently so, that's pretty much the extent of their photo libraries. The star football players who made me feel inferior as they strutted down the halls arm and arm with the hottest girls in the school are now all fat, bald, divorced, and nearly all share photos that include some type of beer in them. It’s incredible. FB is the greatest Internet thing I’ve ever discovered. These are the same guys who were lifeguards during the summer and would gloat about how much they could bench press. The “over 100 club”? Now most of them are in a different “over 100 club”. As in, a hundred lbs. over their target weight. Time, the great equalizer. Those fat bastards!

Two hours on FB is better than any TV show, any movie or any concert (a bit of an exaggeration but close!). I LOVE FACEBOOK!

Finally, I still won't be joining FB anytime soon. BUT, if I ever decide to, I'll drive out to the suburbs and "stage" a fishing trip. Rent or borrow a few kids and a fat middle-aged woman, hire someone with a bass boat and take them all out to a lake. Then I'll snap lots of photos with a crappy phone camera and post them on my new account.

Otherwise, just like in high school, I wouldn’t fit in with the popular crowd.

Thank you Facebook!!